"Maine is the world that went south
Maine is a punch in the mouth
Maine at the top of the chart
Maine has crushed my evil heart..."
........................................................................................................
TUESDAY OCTOBER 10TH:
COLBY COLLEGE
Waterville, Maine
Dear wild banshees--
Due to popular demand (and you ARE demanding little suckers
aren't you?) I've decided to resurrect this here book tour blog.
So pack up your suitcase. That's right. Go and grab your humming
electric toothbrush. Roll up your socks and undies into tidy,
little space-saving balls. Where, oh where, will I take you? You ask.
Oh, we'll go everywhere together, baby. No more pins and needles
in your heart, no more snake juice squirted in your arm. The whole
world's green grass and, from now on, when you cry, it'll be because
you're happy...Okay, right. So I plagiarized that last bit from Clifford Odets.
It's alright though. We're tight. And his dead ass doesn't mind.
And, as long as we're bearing our fragile little hearts here,
blogging about these trips is a welcome inconvenience. Traveling
alone can be sweet enough. I hoard hotel toiletries. I hog
the bed like nobody's business. But every so often, these solo
migrations leave me feeling like one lonesome goose plum.
And these wordless jaunts feel far less lonely when I pretend
you're all here, drifting right alongside me.
Yes, I know. Gross. I've reached my sincerity ceiling for
the day. Enough with this silly wholeheartedness! Wholehearty
had a party and nobody came...On to business, shall we?
Let's fill this bear with honey...
12 p.m.: Noon found me wrapping myself in flannel and
departing the gray angles of my dear Manhattan for a
thoroughly autumned Maine.
1:20 p.m.: It was a quickie
flight. And less than one hour later, I was behind the wheel of
my Avis rent-a-trek, adhering to the Gonzo credo "rental cars were
made to be destroyed." Ah yes, I was a menace on the road! Pushing
90 on the Maine turnpike! No taillights up ahead to slow me down! No
disparaging headlights in my rearview mirror! I drove like I stole
it. Looked out the window. Let that good fall scenery do what
scenery does-- make my chest ache a little. Check that bloody
spray of foliage in the sugar maples.
Knocking about the radio dials, I couldn't help but notice the stations
all had real mountainman names! (Moose92 FM!). The ear worms
and ass anthems urged me on ("she's gonna get a ticket now sooner
or later, 'cause she can't keep her paw of the accelerator"). I tried
my damndest to win some radio call-in prizes, which included a winter's worth of firewood!
And a brand new ATV! Seriously, can't you just see me plowing down
Broadway on a high-performance ATV?
3:40 p.m.: This is the part of the story where I stray off course. And
I know what you're thinking. Your inner thought bubble is saying: "Koren,
how can you get lost driving from Portland to Waterville? You just drive
straight-as-an-arrow North along Interstate 95. Anyone with a fully functioning
brain stem could steer herself there without hassle." To which, I say: "Two
roads diverged in a wood and I-- I, like, took the other one. You know, the
contorted, distorted one with the strip club and the apple farm?"
6:30 p.m.: Back on track in Waterville in time for an evening reading at
historic Colby College. Now, I didn't want to assume
I'd be met with too much camaraderie. But, according to the university's
Wikipedia entry, Colby students (and I quote) "work hard, play hard and
spend the rest of the time recovering." So I figured, they'd know what I
was talkin' 'bout...
Anyway, I left with at least one suspicion confirmed: Colby weenies, you are all
insanely cute, and astute, and dare I say, far too physically dazzling for your
own good. Especially Terri (with an "i") and Loretta (like the Coal Miner's daughter).
Stay tuned.
We go to Fordham next. You and I...
I'm all the friend you'll ever need,
x Koren
P.S.- I almost forgot! A bit of news: 'Smashed' comes out dangerously
soon in Italy. Please alert your good-looking Italian friends. Grazie mille...
Also, Tua madre si da per niente.
posted by Koren at 6:00 PM
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